A swing between life and death

 

As you all know that my last post was ‘I am crying profusely’ as I was experiencing spiritual crying. In the beginning, I was crying while chanting a particular Devi Mantra that I was repeating mentally most of the time, a few days later I was crying while chanting Guru Mantra as well as Lineage Mantra. Some more days passed and I found myself crying while doing almost every prayer, meditation and chanting.

Surprisingly, my crying had increased manifold from the past five days as I am crying even in public places on bus station, on railway station, on road, in market etc. I could not hold back my tears and I am crying more than 100 times in a day. Due to excessive crying, sometimes my eyes hurt. Because of constant and repeated crying for more than two and a half months had made my eyesight weak and I found it difficult to read without proper light.

Too much of crying from the past two and a half months had forced me to put my major business decisions on hold. I was just doing the routine work, that too giving needful instruction to my employees and a bit of financial work. I was not attending any calls or messages from my relatives and friends. I immersed myself in reading as well as listening to more and more books, watching more and more videos to have a better understanding of my spiritual path. I was following a disciplined life with full control over my diet, did regular pranayams and physical exercise—walking or yoga or sometimes both.

I did 40 days of Devi Sadhana, and I had a glimpse of Devi two-three times during Sadhana. A few days back while meditating on Guru Mantra, I saw myself adorned with ornaments just like a Goddess. Appearance of Devi means success on spiritual path but unfortunately, everything turned upside down.

During these days, my inner voice became strong, it kept guiding me, and answering my questions related to my spiritual journey. A few days back, I realized that it was misguiding me, and I felt cheated by my own inner self. Strange but true!

My turmoil did not end here, I found myself struggling hard to shed my negative thoughts towards my Guru. I felt that it was better to drop this body instead of having negative feelings for Him.

I was badly trapped by an emotional turmoil created by my own mind. Emotions are like waves of the ocean and my emotions had acquired the form of tsunami, rising high creating turbulence, hitting me hard and killing me mercilessly.

Some days back, while meditating all of a sudden I started breathing from my mouth; I could not breathe from my nose. I felt breathless and my whole body became numb. I found myself swinging between life and death. This experience lasted for 7 minutes. Next day, it lasted for near about 3 hours.

The problem becomes even more serious as I have not eaten anything from past 108 hours. And my water intake has drastically reduced from 15 litres per day to 1-2 litres per day. Besides that, I also have some other health issues related to that turmoil.

Among this chaos, I forget how to laugh!

P.S. – I am feeling like what Pandit Gopi Krishna had written in his autobiography

‘Kundalini: The Evolutionary Energy in Man’, ‘For a long time I had to live suspended by a thread, swinging between life on the one hand and death on the other, between sanity and insanity, between light and darkness, between heaven and earth.’

Pic - Unsplash

Sparkling smile more valuable than golden bangles

“Not a single bus has arrived till now. It seems that it will not come for another two hours or so. Will you arrange a taxi up to the railway station so that I can catch my train on time?” Early morning, I inquired of my travel agent.

He replied, “Today is Vishvakarma Day, everyone worships their vehicles, some return on work but most of the people take a half-day or full-day rest. Let me talk to a young guy, maybe he will be interested.”

He called back to inform us that a taxi had been arranged which would take about one and a half hour to reach the railway station and would charge Rs. 2000/-. He also shared the phone number of that person so that I could contact him.

When the taxi arrived, I asked the taxi driver to arrange my baggage at the back so that I could sit in the front seat because I had severe travel sickness that aggravates in a hilly area. He drove smoothly and I did not feel uneasy throughout the route. Moreover, we reached the railway station quite early. I gave him the fare, which he readily accepted, and a dazzling golden bangle, which he hesitated to accept. I said, “Yesterday was Diwali, the festival of lights. This bangle is made up of gold and it costs approximately one lakh. Please take it.” He gently took it and put it in the car's cup holder.

After handing over the bags and baggage to me, he came forward, his eyes dripping with gratitude and with folded hands, he said with a sparkling smile, “May God bless you with more!”

I replied, “It will be auspicious for you.”

I turned around and started moving towards the station thinking that I had never met this person before nor would I ever meet him again, still, I gave him valuable piece of jewellery, thinking that it would not only design but also sparkle his future. My day became more beautiful after donating beautiful jewellery!

Crazy me, visualized myself as Goddess of Wealth, donated another dazzling bangle to some other needy person! ;)

Pic : Pixabay

A simple wish

“Why do you make so many errors? If you make so, make silly mistakes then how will you bagged an award?” My father scolded me while correcting an official letter drafted and typed by me.

I looked up from my laptop screen and boldly told him, “Papa, you are a genius who has won numerous awards and I am an average IQ person. You still have a burning desire to win more awards and I have no desire to win any award. I have only one desire i.e., to do charity and I am happy with that.” After that, he never scolded me at least for an award despite he handed over a huge sum of money for my charity work.

On a spiritual path, I do not have any desire for attainment of Siddhis i.e., psychic, magical powers or supernatural abilities to have clairvoyance, levitation, bilocation, becoming as small as an atom, materialization, and having access to memories from past lives. I have a tiny desire that I never had any negative thoughts towards my Guru Om Swamiji. And I am happy with that.

Today is 11th day of fasting. With that devouring chole bhature becomes a big wish in my life! ;)

Pic : Unsplash

I Am Crying Profusely

“Rana Sangha had 80 wounds, had lost one arm and one eye in the battlefield. He was feeling severe pain in his whole body but still, he kept fighting on the battlefield. He was so brave.” My mother narrated his valor story to me while applying ointment on my knee wound.

I was crying horribly. I fell upon a rough surface while playing hopscotch and injured my knee. Most probably, I was 5 years old at that time.

“He did not cry. He was so brave. You are my Rana Sangha!” She gently patted my left cheek with love.

I wiped my tears.

Thereafter, I became Lady Rana Sangha. Any physical, emotional, mental or financial wound could not affect me, could not distress me. Slowly and gradually with time, I not only learnt to control my tears but emotions as well. I became rough and tough, a fearless and tearless woman.

Since a few days, I have been going through some Kundalini awakening experiences, like burning sensation around heart chakra, mild headache in one or the other part of head and loss of appetite (lost 2 kg in 14 days without exercising and without following any strict diet plan).

I experienced some of the weirdest of weird spiritual experiences, which could only be experienced and could not be shared with even my keyboard. My intelligent brain kept telling me that they were not spiritual experiences rather they were wild imaginations, therefore, avoid paying attention to them. However, I could not ignore them and I started crying uncontrollably. I had never cried that hard ever before.

Generally, my eyes became moist whenever I had a spiritual experience. Sometimes, one or two raindrops fell from my eyes. This time, I was crying horribly.

Dear readers, I could not share my weird experiences with you but I could definitely share my tears with you.

P.S. - सुबह से रोते रोते मेरे tissue paper खत्म हो गए हैं। Please एक tissue paper pass on करना। ;) :D

Background music - रोते रोते हंसना सीखो...

Pic : Pixabay

Wherever there's a hang-up, You'll find the Spiderman!

Venom, the villain locked us in a small cage as soon as he kicked Spider-Man far away. Spider-Man got up and hurriedly came towards us to help us, Venom stopped him in midway where they had a good fight. He punched hard and Spider-Man fell off. We were not able to see Spider-Man. We were worried about Spider-Man. With lightning speed, Venom came towards us and pushed the cage. Now, we were worried about our lives too. The cage tumbled and tumbled and started falling steeply from the rooftop of a high rising building towards the ground. The caged crowd was screaming loudly and shouting for help. However, I was calm and serene as I was sure Spider man would come to save us. Amongst all those chaos, my mind was busy singing ‘Spiderman, Spiderman! Wherever there's a hang-up, you'll find the Spiderman!’ And just before the cage hit the ground, he was right there with his spider webs to hold us from falling any further and hitting hard against the road. Everybody breathed a sigh of relief!

More than a decade ago, I experienced this in the spider man 7D movie theater in Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida.

In this incidence, I was quite sure my superhero would come and save me. Simultaneously my mind was aware of the ‘modern maya’ created by high-tech videos and special effects. The artificial environment was created to produce the effect of false reality, a story that minds believed.

In this story, the disciple was sure that his superhero, his Guru would save him before anything horrific happened. His mind was also aware of the false worldly illusion known as Maya. Swami Sivananda says, “That which truly is not, but appears to be, is Maya. Maya is neither true nor false. It is truly false and falsely true. It is neither real nor unreal.” He further suggested the way to control it, “Control of mind is control of Maya. Control of Maya is control of mind. Maya plays through mind. Maya havocs through mind. Maya vanishes entirely as soon as the knowledge of Supreme Self dawns.”

Om Swamiji says, “Don’t let the illusion fool you.”

Tobey is my favorite spider man, and yours?

Pic : Unsplash

A Leap of Faith

Like any other morning, I looked at the rising sun from my balcony, closed my eyes and visualized that at my Ajna chakra while reciting my daily prayers. “O’ Sun God, please bless everyone with the light of knowledge, with showers of love as well as dispel the darkness of ignorance.” In the round orange ball between my eyes, I saw Om Swamiji’s smiling face. It was a unique experience. My mind ignored it as it might be the effect of watching His videos all the time mostly in the free time. However, during COVID times every time is a free time. Nevertheless, the image did not fade until I finish my routine prayers.

On the same day, I visualized Him as my deity. And every other God that I worship. Although I daily meditate on the Guru in the wee hours but this spiritual experience was different! I had never read about such experience nor had I ever experience it before. Therefore, I decided to ask Google Baba. Bolo Google Baba ki jai!

I came across this video about Nath Sampradaya (T 3:30- 4:15) in which 92 years old Dr. Himmat Singh Sinha told that Guru leads you to the God therefore; in this whole universe, no God is higher than the Guru is. The greatest God is the Guru. This statement made me curious to know more about Nath Sampradaya. I opened the Wikipedia page and read a beautiful story about Maha Yogi Gorakshnath, a revered figure in Nath tradition. Once he asked all his disciples to jump from the branch of a huge tree on a trident. Because of fear of death, all his disciples backed. Only one disciple took the bold step and decided to jump. A leap of faith! As he jumped, the invisible hand of Maha Yogi hold him and blessed him with enlightenment.

“Guru is God. A word from him is a word from God. He shows you the right divine path. He makes you immortal and divine.” These quotes are from the book ‘Divine Bliss’ by Swami Sivananda. 

I am ready to jump. Are you?

To be continued...

P.S. – Yesterday, when I opened Wikipedia page, this story was right there. But today when I decided to tag it on my post, I found it missing. I thought I might have opened a wrong page. I went through the history of my internet search to open the same page. Surprisingly, it was still missing.

क्या कहेंगें आप इसे आंखों का धोखा या गुरु कृपा?

या हर समय बदलता विकिपीडिया?

Pic : Unsplash

Freedom from piercing pain

                       

It bled. It hurt. That broken thorn, prickly thorn struck deep in my heart. Exactly ten years back, it struck there, leaving me heart struck. I tried to pull it out, unfortunately, it broke mid-way through. It hurt me. It pained me. With time, it penetrated deep causing a twinge of guilt. To forget that piercing pain, most of the time I barefooted walked on a razor-sharp sword and sometimes on burning coal to forget that smoldering ache.

A saint in a black robe appeared from a thin air who keenly observed that tapas. I bowed him. Seeing my only desire for God realization, his microscopic eyes with numerous siddhis searched for the cause of old pain. I was as calm as a bomb. He stared. He searched. A storm of thoughts came from nowhere and I was caught in it. He came to know about the gentle falling of silken rose thriving in vigor, shape and beauty, vanishing of scarlet fascination, a sudden piercing of thorn, and a torn thorn. To relieve me of that stale strain, he gently pulled it out with ease and care. Nevertheless, even the gentle movement of that deeply struck thorn pained me like hell. A dormant volcano of anger erupted from me. You are not a true sage! Ignoring my instant harsh reaction, he completely pulled out that worn and torn thorn to ease my pain and to relive me. The hot molten lava merged with the ocean of compassion forming a new estuary of pure love.

As black color absorbs all light, the saint in black robe absorbed all agony. Surprisingly after taking out that tiny thorn, there should be a hole but there was no hole. He immediately filled the cavity with compassion, a feeling unknown to me. On practicing that divine emotion, I came to know that the sharp thorn of pain had now transformed into a bright red rose, blooming brightly and blessing others with the fragrance.

After two years, the crown experiencing Kundalini sensations bowed down to His Padma feet and thought a happiest thought it could. ‘I am forever grateful!’

P.S. 1. अपना सुलगना किस को दिखाऊं ;)
Nothing to worry guys, I just have a mild fever. :D

2. From now onward, my name is Rose ;), nah Gulabo. :D

Pic: Pixabay