When I Walked Like a Saint...

Why was I doing intense tapas?

By the time, my wet clothes dried a bit in the bright sultry sun, I contemplated sitting on a conveniently flat rock on an oblong island in the middle of Giri River near Sri Badrika Ashram. It had been 40 hours since I had drunk anything and near about 48 hours since I had eaten anything. The day before, on MahaShivratri I had kept fast. Today, since morning I was searching for a dog but could not find it. I did not eat or drink without completing my charity work, which include feeding cow, dog and birds.

From the morning, I was looking for a dog - big or small, black or white, furry or skinny but could not find. I went downhill and far along the length of the river. On the way, I saw three mongooses, two dwarf brown cows, a male Asian paradise flycatcher, a spotted dove, an eagle, a pair of pied kingfisher, yellow-vented bulbuls, red whiskered bulbuls, many blue-fronted redstart, parakeets, uncountable rock doves, warblers in various sizes and a Mallard duck taking off from the river Giri but did not see a stray dog! I came back and searched it in ashram. Once again went downhill in a hope to find one, this time in hurry I forgot to wear my shoes instead wore flip flops. I searched it again but no success. I sat down for a while on a rock to take rest. On the other side of the river, I noticed some cows, goats and a shepherd. Assuming that there must be a dog along with them, I decided to cross the river. I took my jacket in my hand and carefully putting one baby step at a time on slippery and precipitous stones crossed a portion of river with shallow water and reached the island. On the other side, the river was quiet fast. I loved going adventure. I pulled up my lowers a bit higher and started walking in the swift flow. The stones beneath my feet were abrupt and perilous. This time I was more careful but hardly had I taken 5-6 steps that I found myself struggling to maintain my balance on algae covered rocks in the high-speed water and abruptly fell into the river. I got up and decided to come back instead of continuing my adventurous journey further.  

I sat on the same rock with my jacket spread on a nearby rock. I was feeling neither hungry nor thirsty although my throat was dry and lips were dehydrated. Tired of brooding over a thought about my intense tapas, I opted to enjoy the present moment. I shed off thoughts of unchangeable past and reflections about the unknown future. The nature was mesmerizing. The murmuring sound of ever-flowing water, warmth of radiant sun, shade of forever-moving clouds, fragrant and cool breeze, chirping of bulbuls and ballet of swallows and willows on pale blue floor. Now I was enjoying every moment of my life. All of a sudden from nowhere a patchy brown dog wailing its tail slightly jumping between the rocks came towards me. I fed biscuits to it. The time in my mobile watch showed 12:40 pm and dining hall would be closed after 20 minutes. I hurriedly picked up my jacket, bolted on the uneven rocks and put my right feet in the shallow water of river to cross it. I slipped. This time, I managed to maintain my balance and did not fall. Though, the little stopper that holds the strap of flip flop came out, one lose end of Y-shaped strap made it unfit to wear it. I tried to push it back with the help of a twig but could not. I hold my slippers in my hand and started walking on treacherous path after crossing the river. The piercing stones beneath my feet made taking even one-step further very difficult. They were penetrating in my soft skin making my walk extremely painful. I told my mind that under my feet are not piercing stones rather soft rose petals. I took the next step and I felt less pain. I told my mind to have firm belief that delicate rose petals were spread on the path. I took one more step and there was neither pricking nor piercing only softness of petals that my sole felt. With full control on my mind, I erased the difference between sharp stones and soft petals. Pain and pleasure became alike. I walked like a saint- mindfully and calmly. I enjoyed every delicate step that I took. A fountain of equanimity erupted inside me!

Pic : Pixabay

My Egoistic Head Near His Padam-Feet

“You haven’t eaten anything today! Have you kept a fast on MahaShivratri?” Ma (my mother) asked me while standing outside the main office of Sri Badrika Ashram around 3:30 p.m.

“That’s true. I haven’t eaten anything.” I replied.

“And water?”

“Till now, I haven’t. Tells see what God’s wish is!”

I woke up at 12:30 in the morning, did my prayers and meditation, drove my car for about an hour on highway, took metro from HUDA City Centre, Gurugram to New Delhi Railway Station, dragged baggage on long railway platform, traveled in train watching live telecast of Sadhana App launch, carried bags on Kalka Railway Station, took a prebooked taxi through the terrain to Sri Badrika Ashram and was now waiting for the room or the dorm bed to be allotted. I could easily stay without eating food for some days but this time I challenged myself by not drinking water while living a normal life.  

After getting fresh, I went to the discourse room to get the seat near Vidu Swamiji’s camera and recording area where I generally used to sit. However, to my surprise, camera and recording area had been shifted to the center of the room to cover the abhishekam of Lord Shri Hari. There was a line of division dividing the seating area into two. Where I generally sat, had cushions with sheets of paper shouting ‘RESERVED’. I asked a woman on other side of the line of division, “Are we not allowed to sit there?”

She said, “No. If anybody sits there, he/she will be asked to get up from there.”

I took a seat on the other side of the line quite close to that woman. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my mantra, but I could not as my mind wandered about the line of division. I had never seen this before. Moreover, why it was two feet wide?

My mind kept wandering about the length, breadth and the twists in line of division. I complained in my thoughts, “Why I am sitting too far from you? Can you do something to decrease this distance and to erase this wide line of division? I neither have eaten nor drank anything today, just to have a darshan of your smiling face.” My eyes became moist.

Just a few minutes before the entrance of Swamiji in the hall, some volunteers rolled the pastel sheets from the line of division and below them; the black velvety mat was shining bright. My Goodness! So, it was the path from which Swamiji would be going to Garbhgrah.

I was too shy to ever sit near those velvety mats on which Swamiji stride from entrance gate to Garbhgrah and back. I happily bowed Him from a distance. Moreover, today, when I was doing tapas, He would be walking on the line of division, and I was sitting just adjacent to it.

“Khudee ko ker baland itna kay har Taqdeer se pahlay”
“khuhda bandey se khud poochey bata therie reza kaya hai”
~Allama Iqbal

(Raise yourself to such great heights so before every destined act, God himself asks what it is you desire.)

It was His pure love and grace that He bestows upon me amidst His busy schedules.

After a while, my egoistic head was near His Padam-Feet only 6 inches away. It lightens my heart, fills my mind with strength, peace and purity. Next time I would do more intense tapas to decrease this distance to zero! :) As it is the greatest and rarest privilege in life to touch the Padam-Feet of Guru.

In Guru Bhakti Yoga, Swami Sivananda says, “Dedication to the Lotus-Feet of Guru must be ideal and watchword for the disciple. On auspicious days, disciple should fast and meditate on the Lotus-Feet of the Guru, to grant him real devotion to His Lotus-Feet.”

Har Har Mahadev!

Pic : Pixabay

Kindness is a Gift, Pass it on.

“Madam, Can I carry your luggage?” A railway staff asked me on seeing me dragging my heavy luggage and bags on the long platform of Kalka Railway Station.

“Sure.” I replied. “How much you will charge?” I inquired.

“Whatever you wish.” He calmly replied.

I was bit angry with my taxi driver who on phone refused to take down my luggage from train. I did not call him instead decided to carry on my own, as I did not find a porter because my railway coach was on the farthest end of the platform, and it took me time to get down with an elderly family member with all luggage and bags.

He removed his waistcoat uniform with company logo. He took all the luggage and bags from us and with ease started walking with us. I was in a habit of conversing with strangers. I asked a few questions about him, his family and his life.

Near entrance of railway station, he put down all luggage and bags. I gave Rs. 500/- for his kindness and his willingness to help others. I took out a golden bangle from my jacket pocket. I handed it to him and said, “Today is MahaShivratri, please keep it as my blessing. It will be auspicious for you.”

He gently took it, bent down, touched my feet, stood up and lovingly said, “Thank you Ma!”

With his love, he made me Shrimata- The Goddess of wealth and happiness! :)

Pic :Pixabay

Roasted Taro Roots with a Pinch of Love

What should I offer Him? Which dainty?

I looked at my plate full of delicacies, which include kuttu ke pakode (buckwheat fritters), aloo (potato) dry veg, tomato- carrot- beetroot soup, green coriander chutney, sliced apple, green and black grapes, orange, dates, roasted peanuts, curd and roasted taro roots. I felt that Swamiji pointed out that He wished to try roasted taro roots- a new recipe so I offered Him a piece of it. I practiced Guru Bhakti yoga in which Guru is considered as the greatest God because Guru leads you to the God. Therefore, I offered food first to my Guru and then to my deity. I fed taro root to my deity. Then I felt that Swamiji said that it was very tasty. I smiled. This happened in Magha Navratri, 2022.

Dear readers, I am sharing this recipe with you.

Roasted taro roots with a pinch of love

Taro roots are rich in fiber, potassium, magnesium, Vitamin C and Vitamin E. It helps in keeping blood sugar levels in control and helps in reducing weight by keeping one fuller for longer time.

Ingredients

Arbi or Taro roots – 5-6 or more

Crushed black pepper – a pinch to sprinkle

Oil for greasing

Rock salt to taste

Method

Rinse taro roots thoroughly in water to remove dirt or mud. Boil them in a pressure cooker till they are soft. Slide a knife in taro roots to check that they are cooked completely. They should not be mushy. Peel them once they are warm. Put a taro root in between palms and press a bit to give it a thickness of a cutlet. On medium flame grease a tava and roast it until light brown in color. Turn it and roast it from other side as well. Take it out in a serving plate. Sprinkle rock salt and crushed black pepper on it. And do not forget to add a pinch of love on it. ;)

Swamiji liked it this way, but you can also sprinkle red chili powder and mango powder on it.

It might seem like a Tollywood movie scene but for me it was truth and only truth.

My Second Personal Meeting with Om Swamiji

“Oh my God! He remembered me!” These thoughts came to my mind as soon as I lifted my head from the mat after mentally thanking Him for giving me asana for seating. Before stepping on the asana, I sat down on my knees, put my both hands beside my knees and bowed down to touch the asana with my head to mentally expressed gratitude to Guru for providing me asana for seating. I lifted my head and found that He drew up His right arm to indicate that I must sit in front of Him and not on the farthest corner of the mat unlike the previous meeting. He not only remembered my mistake but was also rectifying me. I felt as if I was walking on air with clouds beneath my feet but in reality, I was ambling on the white soft cotton mat. I was elated and excited like a kid. I deleted my introduction part from the opening paragraph that I would be going to speak which I had repeated numerous times in my mind before entering the meeting room. I sat down crossed legs in front of Him. I folded my hands in Namaste pose and closed my eyes. Mentally, I remembered my deity. Then I chanted the mantra ‘Guru Brahma, Guru Vishnu, Guru Devo Maheshwara; Guru Sakshat Param Brahma, Tasmai Shri Guravay Namah.’

I expressed gratitude, seek forgiveness and asked my question. While replying, He blessed me with a bunch of five crimson wildflowers, which He had collected from the forests of Assam. The fragrance of these flowers totally changed the direction of my spiritual journey.

Pic : Unsplash 

Waiting for My Second Personal Meeting with Om Swamiji

“Tomorrow you will not be able to meet Swamiji as He already have meeting with 75 people.” An office staff told me when I asked for the next day appointment after the discourse.

“The day after tomorrow I will be leaving early so, please give me tomorrow morning time with Swamiji.” I requested.

“Fine. I will adjust your meeting time with a person who is staying for a longer time in the ashram. Please reached sharp at 8:30 near meeting room.”

Next day, the calendar showed the date 2nd June, 2019 and the watch showed the time 5:45 a.m. I had just finished my prayers. I placed my charity bag on my left shoulder and walked out in search of a cow, a dog and some grain eating birds. I fed the cow. I placed the grains on a nearby rock. Nevertheless, I could not find a dog. I went downhill near Giri river, I went uphill until I reached a neighbor’s house, I looked behind the bushes, I searched below the parked cars, and I hunt near the dining area. Surprisingly there was not a single dog! 

At last, I saw a stray dog and fed it some biscuits. The watch showed 8:15 a.m. After I washed my hands, I went to the dining area. The queue was so long that my turn would not come before 9:30 a.m. What was my preference - breakfast or the question whose answer I wished to know? 

Without wasting another minute on food, I moved towards the meeting room, thinking that I would have breakfast after the meeting, it would end up soon.

Every day I had my breakfast between 7 to 8 am, which did not consist of light food like poha, idli, upma etc. but full meal consists of roti, vegetables, dal, curd, salad and fruits. My hungry stomach was saying it was the food time, eat like a king! A tug of war started within my mind – what did I want- food or question? A part of my mind warned me if food were not taken on proper time, it would be converted into stomach ulcer, which I was prone to. Another part of my mind told me to relax, as a shot of steroids would resolve every useless problem. First shouted food was the most important thing in life. Second part calmly replied to eat the delicious food once you were back home but now focus on question whose answer could not be find on any internet page or in any book. Finally, my mind decided and commanded that you were here for the question only so focus on the question and not on food.

To my utmost surprise, the opening was made with group meetings and not with personal meetings. Five groups went in turn by turn. I waited and waited. Then personal meetings started. I was hoping that my turn would come first but I was the last to meet Him. It was around 11 a.m. when I was called in for the meeting. Until that time, I was empty stomach and whether I had taken one or two sips of water, I could not recall now.

Two years later, I came to know that it was a special initiation, which needed to be done empty stomach. I was in His leela shetra and it was His leela!

Once again, I am on a waiting mode, this time it is very long and very tough. It is tough because from the past three months I have not eaten chole bhature. ;)

Pic : It is not an owl but a cat on the tree near meeting room in ashram. :)

I Am Most Attached to My Spiritual Experiences.

“I am really surprised to know that you can’t remember what you have recently written on your blog.” My mentor said a bit agitatedly to me.

“After writing I forgot what I have written. It is a boon as well as a bane.” I replied and tried to pacify him on hearing the words of praises about my latest post of which I could not even recall the topic. He made fun of me that I could not remember what I had jotted down a day before.

I wrote about my spiritual experiences on my blog so that I could easily forget them. These experiences were like heavy weighted baggage and I had to put them down to feel light so that I could move forward with ease. In general, spiritual experiences were like milestones on a highway but most of the time a seeker like me made a grave mistake of being attached to them by constant contemplating on its beauty and magnetism. Then, the milestones turned into traps. Suppose while travelling in a train, I spotted a beautiful lake with lotus flowers amongst the mountains, not only I kept brooding on it even after moving away from it but also had a strong desire to go back to enjoy that scene for some more time. The striking scene constantly kept hitting my head, which I found almost impossible to shed off, ultimately became a shackle because of my mere ignorance.

Nevertheless, as I advanced in practice it really became difficult to be detached from those experiences as they were about my weakest point. I had to walk through once again down the memory lane where even my shadow haunted me. Even if the spiritual experiences were the most pleasing, delightful and gratifying, they haunted me like ghosts in a dark room. It really became hard to ignore them and forget about forgetting them.

Till date I have had numerous spiritual experiences. In my dreams, I had seen various idols of Lord Hanuman, colored full vision of Lord Dattatreya, Glimpse of Ma Kalratri and many times had darshan of Om Swamiji. In meditation, I had seen different coloured lights like yellow, white, and a mixture of red, indigo, blue coloured dots, lines of various sizes sometimes crossing each other, a triangle, vision of Om Swamiji’s silhouette, vision of Ma Kalratri’s fierce eyes, Ma Katyayani’s delicate lips, Ma Skandmata’s greenish sober eyes, Ma Shailputri’s third eye, myself adorned with jewellery as Goddess, Mother Divine’s meenakshi eyes and Mother Divine’s attractive face from front as well as from side.

Nearly a decade back, I had experienced bliss, a mini Samadhi. ;) In which, I forgot to breathe, I could not see or hear anything and found myself immersed in ecstasy. Besides this, I was also blessed when Swamiji was 24 years old, an astral body experience, and His tears, Him as Shiva and Shakti. I was whimpering from the past seven months while chanting and meditating, my eyes welled up on remembering God and sometimes it became difficult to control my tears even publicly. Above all, I had telepathy with Om Swamiji. :) Sometimes the reception is weak on my side because of my negative thoughts. ;) Soon, my name will appear in Guinness Book of World Record for wide range of variety in spiritual experiences. ;) The most surprising fact was that I never had any spiritual experiences, neither in dream nor in meditation, related to my deity whom I worshipped day and night. In meditation, only I saw various intensity of brightness and different sized indigo dots of the same color as that of my deity. Moreover, this color was considered as the rare color to be seen in meditation. The vision of this color in meditation gave vairagya quickly.

Was I puffed up with spiritual pride after acquiring a few experiences? My pride had enhanced the feeling of separateness from others as I looked upon others with contempt. My arrogance became a serious obstacle to God's realization. It was an unhealthy attachment, and it was blocking my vision to see through. My lower nature was not purified yet.

The spiritual experiences were like fragrant garlands, which became tight shackles for me as I kept thinking about them and was not able to focus on my object of meditation. I was giving too much importance to them and felt that I was distracted from my path. I was unable to remain indifferent from these experiences. I found it difficult to interpret and contemplate them. I could not understand tenses till date then how could I understand the deep meaning of these spiritual experiences. ;) They were the silver lining, which was even thicker than my negative emotions like anger or egoism. I had to wipe it so that I could progress further. These visions and spiritual experiences would come and go, but they were never the goal of my meditation. I was working hard to substitute them with higher thoughts. I had to diligently remove conceit and boastfulness, to realize Divinity. Detachment from spiritual experiences whether pleasing or horrible was necessary for spiritual progress. It is truly said that the less attached you are, the more peaceful you are!

Swami Vishnu Devananda in Meditation and Mantras says, “Looking back to past experiences gives life to the memory-picture, reinforces and pulls the mind away from its true nature. A sage never looks back; he concentrates only on identification with the Absolute.” My final and true goal of meditation was the direct experience of God. Meditation was the treacherous path of difficulties where each hindrance served only as a challenge to goad me onto a higher achievement. I jotted down all my experiences so that I could overlook them and started afresh as an infant who did not have an iota of idea about what spiritual experiences were. Just innocent I in MA’s tender lap! :)

Last time when I was in ashram, in one of his discourses Swamiji said, “Spiritual experiences are like a breeze. They come and go. Only for a small period, you experienced the coolness. However, the presence of Mother Divine is as if you have switched on an air conditioner. The cool air is always there.” (Sorry I could not remember the exact words said by Him, but this was the gist.)

Even after thorough search, I could not find the air conditioner button. I had full faith that whenever I would be ready, He would turn on the switch for me. :)

Pic : Pixabay